the boy with no name

Should I be writing an epic story or a simple one? I had a couple of ideas in my mind now and I am really struggling to put them on paper and trying to make some sense out of it.

I always dream about writing an epic that could transcend the art house genre and break into the international market. I think my short time here in a vfx company has open my eyes to possibilities, albielt I have a long way to go and learn, I think certain things are definitely achievable.

I have been feeling dry for the past few months. Or in fact throughout the time I am in London. I’ve made several utterly unconnected and whimsical posts that did not go anywhere far, if anyone has ever read them. About a thread of emotions. A sudden jolt in the memory about certain people or feelings. But never strung together.

I am not sure if this is healthy and I am not trying to be harsh on myself but I am getting restless and impatient with myself for these months of impasse, when in fact, I should be rocketing with ideas, inspired by events and surroundings. Or perhaps, I’ve too much expectation before I came and now I am trying to redeem something back to fill this void.

Whatever it is, I need to continue to put the words together, however random it might seem or inconsequential it might be. Like this post for a start.

What if one day you realise that you’d ever only truely love one person in your life? And you’ll know that you’ll neverhave another chance again. WHat would you do? How would you feel?

Does it take a lifetime to realise that? Does one need to go through heaps of broken relationships, drifting in and out of life, and finally to marry someone and only realise that?

What then would be the impetus in your life when you realise that this love was over and the only thing you could do was to keep replaying the memories in your head and blame your own foolishness and pride for all that it happened?

Heh. Nothing is wrong with me. Just trying to trash something out in my head after reading Ian McEwan’s On Chesil Beach.

It’s been really a while since I think about things like these - love, philosophies, stories, life. Need to start working on them again and get my stories out.

You are so beautiful, to me.

You’ve amazed me tonight.

Your generous smile and bubbliness struck me as a carefree spirit. I love the way your greyish blue eyes light up whenever you crack into your infectious laughter.

I love the way those laughter lines run along from the corner of your eyes and how they adorned your face and rather than showing your age, I thought they made you look much younger. There’s so much childlike innocence in your face, expressive, animated, easy-humoured. There’s hardly any trace of cynicism and scorn. What could I say. I was smittened.

My heart sank when you revealed your story. How could a beautiful soul deserve to go through so much? Love is the greatest thing in life but love has done you wrong. Where did you find the marvellous strength to carry on?

Things seemed a little hazy these days. I feel like I dun belong here but at the same time I can’t remmeber what it feels to be back home. Will I forget in time all the things that make me? Am I happier? Does a new perspective help me? Do I need it at all? Am I just a prisoner imagining about freedom?

I need to get out of London. Get out of work. Do something different. I need to find another meaning of my existence.

The vessel is deep and bottomless but the neck is narrow and fragile.

I wish I could pour out like the river but all the feelings are locked up without cracks and crevices.

Met up with Yvonne before she headed off to Rome and Italy for her european tour. Nice to catch up with her and about our fav haunt - wala wala. The more I hear from her the I miss the life I have in sg. And I get to be myself again. Corny. Nonsense. Rubbishy.

The friends, the people and the places. I feel that I am beginning to lose grip of what my life was like in Singapore. It’s coming to half a year. Time passes pretty fast to the point that I am scared. I have no time to slow down and think. I lose myself in work day in and out I think to the point where it’s like clockwork - just going through the motion. Just trudging through time. I am moving but where am I heading if I didn’t have the time to think, reflect and savor the present?

I guess maybe I know that at the end of the day, I am gonna go home and not setting roots here. It’s a strange theory I know. And most people would think quite the opposite. I just live life. Non-obstrusive. Non-offensive. Just ordinary. Hardly a sense of self. I dunno.

Had a chat with my brother today online. It’s funny how we never really share out thoughts before and now that we are so far apart, we began to talk more about many things we’ve never spoke about before.

I’m actually suprised that we’ve so many things in common and it seems like distance have put our relationship into a different perspective. I guess we have the space to think, the time to miss each other and to reflect about things.

I’m glad that he shared his dreams of going to Japan to persue his audio career. And that he’s beginning to work really hard and take a really different at life.

What he said today really touched me:

im sure things will turn out fine someday somehow

somehow i feel motivated to have u as my brother

as an example to follow

Zhihui ♫♪*∙.∙*.∙.*♪♫~ ?? :: says:

so i want to be better

I was surprise but very pleasant to know that I am a motivation to him. At the same time, I am a little guilty, for not getting to know him better by talking to him more when I was in Singapore. I feel really relieved to hear that he’s getting stronger and more certain about himself. I believe he could go far in life and I have confidence in him. And if anything should stop him, I will be there to help.

It’s been a while since I have last written and I suddenly felt the urge to do so in the middle of cleaning my room.

Where was I the last time I wrote? I think it was around Easter and a month has flew past just like that! Finally could see a bit of sun more these days, although there was a freak snowfall in early april. It was one of the most heavy snowfall in 2 decades and I’ve manage to make my first ever snowman with friends. It was a great sensation to be able to walk on snow and to feel it in your bare hands, although you could barely stand the stinging numb that penetrates through your gloves after a while! 

The days are getting longer now. Flowers are starting to bloom. Last weekend walk in Hyde park was lovely, compared to the one I had 2 months ago. The sky was a brilliant blue and the water just captured the crystal clear hue. I hope the sun keeps on shining and I think I would begin to love London more if it does. Good bye depressing winter!

I have been feeling quite homesick and I thought that is rather positive cos that makes me human and alive. The days of initial euphoria wre over and now it’s a matter of gaining perspective again on who you are in relation to the surrounding new environment. Learning to accept and reject things as it is, knowing the carverts, rather than embracing everything.

I had my first taste of real protest 2 weeks ago. My flatmate and I have decided to be a “conflict tourist” and get involve in the protest and see what it’s like. So we pop down to O2 and check it out. It was exhilarating to see people waving their banners, placards, effigies and chanting their beliefs. Its refreshing to see how people could have a chance to externalise their stand, rather than repressing them and relegating them to a mere coffeeshop banter. So we stood amidst reporters, protestors, curious onlookers and tourist like ourselves and experience the spectacle. To me, I have nothing against China for holding the olympics and I thought the Tibetan pro-independence group were rather strategic in lobbying for suppor. The media circus surrounding the torch relay provides a free platform and right timing for their voice. I felt that it’s a shame that thousands of athletes, who have spend their lives training for this great sporting event, would be stigmatised as supporting Beijing’s policies. And it’s a greater shame for people to associate this with the 1936 Munich Olympics. It’s inevitable though. There are greater forces at work and we are all human after all, swayed through the ages by misinformation and it’s only on hindsight, we all seemed foolish. Foolish to support, and foolish to oppose.

Anyway, workwise, my review has been flattering and positive. I would love to have some critical feedback but really, I welcome anything that is inflated cos I needed it to regain my self-confidence, as foolish as it may sound. So I look forward to the end of the project at the end of May and look forward to meet Yvonne, Adrian adn Philip. And I look forward to June and I look forward to touring Ireland, Scotland and Europe!

I guess it’s now time to go back to clean my room and get groceries.

I’ve been ill for the past week and it’s sucky to be so in the cold weather like this. Í hope I’ll recover in time on monday to start work on tuesday. it’s great to have a bank holiday on monday and i could wake up later than usual and knowing that there’s only 4 more days to the weekend. I dunno whether I should be happy when the week comes to an end cos that would mean the project would be nearer to the deadline.

So Sui came over last saturday and stayed at my place for 5 days and 4 nights. I brought her out to several places like Tate Modern and Portobello market etc. The latter was really a nice place that I would recommend anyone visiting london. Nice and relax atmosphere with very cool and great selection of second hand books and antique stuff. There are also lots of pretty nice houses, one of which was where George Orwell used to live.

Camden market seems to be more haphazard but more appealing to the masses I guess, compared to the rather “posh” neighborhood of Nottinghill. Unfortunately the section next to the canal was horribly burnt about 2 months ago or it would have been an excellent place to hang out by the water.

Other than these places, the rest were usual like Oxford St, Covent Garden, Leicester Sq and Soho. Crowded busy places for food and entertainment. I wanted to show her around more but I had to work and was feeling the fever seeping through my brain.

Yesterday I took a train out to Oxford with my mates. It was very fun and fulfilling. A nice and quaint city with very lovely architectures. and now I know why this place inspires generation of scholars, top class scientist and thinkers. The buildings were all majestic and awesome. It was pleasant and not as busy as London. And most importantly, it snowed! It was my first time seeing, touching and feeling snow and it was really exciting.

Well I guess enjoyment comes with a price especially when I have not recovered from my illness fully. Think I needed more rest before I become more and more incoherent.